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A couple of years ago, I presided over a funeral for a friend, Jay. He and his husband were well known in the Richmond theatre scene, and I was fortunate enough to have been one of the ministers presiding at his Holy Union ceremony years earlier. This was back in the 1990’s when legalized gay marriage was still a pipe dream. I don’t perform many Holy Union ceremonies now that several states within driving distance recognize same-sex marriages legally as well as spiritually. And while Virginia still does not, getting a marriage license in another state beats getting married without one in this commonwealth.
After the funeral, my husband and I introduced my son to two of our friends, both men, who participated in the funeral as a final gift for Jay and his family. We used to live in walking distance from their home and we often times cared for their dogs when they were away. My friends met my son, Jasper, when we first brought him home from the hospital and watched as he grew into a precocious toddler. They had not seen him for a few years, so they oohed and ahhed over what a fine young man he’d become. As his mother, I fairly beamed.
Jasper stood politely and smiled, the epitome of a ten-year-of boy who didn’t know what to do with himself around adults. But, just as they left to head into another room, my son pulled me aside and discreetly asked, “Mommy, no offense, but…. Are they gay?” Then he added another, “No offense.”
I was, understandably, confounded – but not by the question. Being involved in the theatre and film community means that his father and I work with and for a lot of openly gay men and women. Our city neighborhood is diverse, so my son sees gay men and women in our neighborhood, at our church, and at our offices. We don’t point out if a couple is gay or straight. We just treat our friends and acquaintances like they are friends and acquaintances, with no special exposition to Jasper before or after introducing them.
So I wasn’t taken aback because he was curious. It was a natural question for his age. What disturbed me was the level of secrecy and concern Jasper showed toward my friends by asking if they were gay.
And yet they are. Gay.
With the vote last week in North Carolina that limits, for a second time in that state, marriage to one man and one woman; and with our president very bravely standing with LGBT Americans who wish their committed, monogamous relationships to be endorsed by their government – this private moment with my son stands in the forefront of my mind.
And like some kind of karmic reinforcement, just this morning I discovered that our own state legislature voted down a judicial candidate for general district court in Richmond because he is gay. This man is our neighbor. He has a husband and two children. They belong to our church. They are strong, helpful, committed members of our community. They aren’t just good citizens, they are good people. And yet, the Virginia House of Delegates’ only concern is that he is gay.
My son’s reaction is memorable because it says to me that no matter how many states finally recognize our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, and no matter how many television shows and movies show LGBT characters as everyday people, and no matter how many gay men and women risk their lives on the battlefield or find ways to benefit and serve their cities and towns – there is still some scared and lonely child in middle school, petrified that others will discover his or her secret. And there are still many, many powerful people in our schools and in our communities that give that child a reason to be afraid.
Gay is not a bad word. It is another way people are created. It is not a choice, for if it were, would anyone choose to be gay in our society, knowing that it meant they could lose their family, church, health insurance, job, friends, or life because of it? With our entire culture screaming that heterosexuality is the norm and that married-with-children is the goal, why – why would someone completely ditch the dream life to become a pariah to everyone around them?
I repeat: Gay is not a bad word. It is another way people are created.
Just like some of us are born to love math, some are born to love art, some are born to love science – just like some of us have natural talents to sing, to build, to run and jump and score goals – just like some of us are attracted to red heads, some prefer slinky legs, and some prefer fuller bodies – none of us can change what makes our hearts sing. We know it in an instant. And our reaction is as natural and involuntary as our breath.
I want our hearts to sing without judgment or fear. I want to celebrate our differences rather than separate because of them. I want us to know in our bones that true love casts out all fear, and the only thing to fear is life without it.
That day is not here yet. When a child – my child – still feels that he must whisper a harmless truth about two people who love each other, believing that truth will damage them irreparably, then I know we have a long way to go. North Carolina proved that. The Virginia House of Delegates proved that. And in the middle of the mess, I am grateful that President Obama changed his mind for all of us to see. There is a chance we may find our way, after all.
But in this reality, I am still responsible to my son, who looks to me as a guide through the minefield that is growing up. In ten years, he has learned that words have weight, they fracture, and they destroy. Middle school is saturated with words such as these. But it’s my job to teach him that words also liberate, unite, and heal. And sometimes they are the very same words.
So, I looked into his eyes and said, “Yes. My friends are gay. I know we told you not to use that word to means ‘stupid’ or ‘loser.’ But in this case, it is the right word, because they are – they are gay. They aren’t offended because you call them that. They’re OK with it, and so am I.”
I think he understood. I wish I could say the same for everyone.
Beautiful Terry. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you , Terry. That was wonderful!
So elegantly said, Terry. Thank you!
Wild applause for your beautiful and thought provoking rage of excellence!
what a gift you have for putting your stories to writing!
thanks for sharing look forward to more….
Wonderful Terry! What makes my heart sing is having you as my niece!!!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend the other day. He is a comic book buff and I was asking him what he thought about the Green Lantern re-do with a gay Green Lantern. His answer was beautiful. Instead of responding that it was something they should or shouldn’t do, he said that he wished we were in a world where it didn’t make a difference whether a person was gay or straight or anywhere between. He hoped for a world that it would just be another characteristic of a person, not making any more of a scandal than having brown or blue eyes. While I consider myself open minded and not homophobic, his answer made me stop and think for a moment. What would it take to be in a world where it wasn’t a “thing” or a controversy for people to live into whatever sexual orientation they claimed?
It would indeed be a wonderful world!